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Frustrated with dating? Check out this site, where you'll find your old buddy Lex has finally returned to writing original pieces. Hopefully reading them will be as entertaining as it was living through them.

4.23.2008

The DVDs Have Arrived


Dateline Boston Garden, 1986.

The old Gah-den.

No cheerleaders.

The floor creeks and moans, but looks like a million bucks on TV.

No air conditioning.

Dick Stockton and Tommy Heinsohn calling the game.

Crowd booing Fitch before opening tip of Game 1.

Bird--Healthy, mullet intact.

Walton--Healthy.

McHale--Healthy.

DJ--Alive.

KC Jones--Ready to make history.

Can we stop the tape, please?

++

Now, wait one minute.

Game one. First play. McHale turnover.

Houston ball.

Robert Reid lofts an uncontested deep two over Ainge, who doesn't even bother to raise an arm in defense.

2-0 Houston.

Celtics ball.

Second play.

Bird air ball???!!!

Clearly, Jerry West and Bryon Scott have doctored the tapes...

++

Bird nails the next two.

Houston starts overplaying Bird. Bird doesn't care, and proceeds to launch a bomb over rushing defenders.

Oh wait. It's a pass to the Chief for an easy dunk.

++

The NBA Hall of Fame committee needs to watch these DVDs.

I mean, is there a better guard in the NBA right now than Dennis Johnson?

Well, is there?

++

You forget the little things.

Unless your name was Mychal Thompson, McHale was undefendable.

What does that mean?

For one thing, it means if you blocked his shot, it was probably a goaltend.

More memorable, however, is the fact that as soon as you blocked his shot, McHale would lift one arm straight up, and wiggle two fingers, soon to be mimicked by the officials.

Goaltend.

Stuck in the 80s, you say?

No, no, no.

Stuck in June of 1986!!!

++

12-4 Celtics.

Fitch calls a time-out and the game's not even five minutes old.

++

After the time-out, Sampson picks up his third foul.

Sometimes I wonder how Fitch was ever considered a great coach.

Hey, Bill, you might want to consider removing the big fella after foul number two in the first quarter.

++

Bird rebounds a miss, and outlets to McHale (I kid you not), who proceeds to lead a 2-on-2 fast break. He's got DJ on his right. Instead, McHale drives to the hole, stops, and pops.

Swish.

Yes sir, that's Bob Cousy, er, I mean Kevin McHale leading the Celtics world-famous fast break.

Clearly, Red Auerbach has now wrestled control of the tapes back from West and Scott.

++

Walton enters the game for Parish.

Wait. What did I just write?

OMG!

It's him! It's Bill Walton!

He's running up and down the floor.

No sign of injury!

First trip down Bird zips a pass to a cutting Walton for an easy deuce.

Ok. I need to pause this thing and update my Last Will and Testament to leave specific instructions:

DEAR FAMILY, IF I BECOME INCAPACITATED FOR ANY REASON AND REQUIRE FULL-TIME CARE, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO FORGET ABOUT ME. BUT BEFORE DOING SO, MAKE SURE I HAVE A BIG SCREEN TV, A DVD PLAYER, AND A REMOTE. I'LL BRING THE DVDs. LOVE, LEX

++

Red must have been enjoying a cocktail with the most recent edits.

Walton somehow beats the entire Rockets team down court, recieves a Bird touchdown pass, and then dunks home two.

Come on, Red. The Rockets were the world's fastest team, and Walton beats them all down court? Who's gonna believe that?

++

McHale throws up a brick.

Walton, who was last seen doubled over at the other end of the court trying to catch his breath, comes crashing down the lane, out jumps Hakeem and Jim Peterson, catches the ball in his left hand, flicks it back up with the same hand.

Two points.

End of quarter.

I could watch this all night.

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