In baseball, it's 27 up and 27 down, no baserunners. In bowling, it's 12 straight strikes and then Miller time. In college boards, it's 800 math, 800 verbal, hello Harvard.
There are no perfect games in basketball, but the Boston Celtics came as close as Bobby Knight could ask yesterday, dismantling the Los Angeles Lakers, 148-114, in Game 1 of the 1985 NBA championship finals at the Garden.
If you have friends overseas, expect a call when they see this score in the International Herald Tribune. A glut of pre-series hype and analysis covered every possible outcome except a Celtic blowout, and those who failed to see yesterday's Parquet Picasso will insist that the final score is a typographical error.
What a beating. Rest assured that the "awesome" Lakers now know how players in Phoenix, Portland and Denver felt. The Suns, Blazers and Nuggets were napalmed by LA in the Western playoffs and more than a few hoopologists were blinded by the light of the Laker torching.
Perhaps still spooked by the horrors of 1984, the Lakers came out tentatively in the opening minutes yesterday. James Worthy, Byron Scott and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar missed shots they've been draining for six weeks, and LA failed to get back on defense. The Celtics scored 18 fast-break points in the first quarter and rode an 18-3 streak to a 38-24 lead at the end of one.
It was 79-49 by intermission and if this game had been played in Los Angeles, the Forum parking lot would have been a portrait of Mercedes gridlock at halftime. The Celtics held serve in the third and led, 108-79, at the end of three. The fourth quarter was played for the benefit of Mr. Kite (seven points) and the rest of Boston's Pine Brothers, who drove it up to 138-101 before settling for a 34-point margin, the second largest in the history of the NBA finals.
The Celtics set other series records including most points, most points in the first half (79), largest halftime lead (30), highest field-goal percentage (.608), and most field goals (62). Boston's assist total (43) was within one of the record, and Scott Wedman (a/k/a Harvey Haddix) established a new mark by making 11 of 11 floor shots, including four three-pointers.
"I've never seen a team - with the exception of ours at times - shoot like that from the perimeter," said Lakers coach Pat Riley.
"We feel bad 'cause we were embarrassed and nobody likes to be embarrassed," added Magic Johnson, who had 19 points and 12 assists.
"I don't think there was no denying us today," added Larry Bird (19 points, nine assists, six rebounds). ". . . We did everything right."
The first five minutes were as active as the opening round of the Hagler- Hearns fight.
"It was like we had played a half already," said Celtics coach K.C. Jones. "The intensity was becoming very visible, mentally as well as physically."
Trailing, 9-8, the Celtics took the lead for good on a jumper by Dennis Johnson, who would finish with 10 assists. En route to a 15-point quarter in which he would make his last six shots, Danny Ainge scored off the break to make it 12-9. Then Ainge fed Bird for a lefty layup and Worthy interrupted with a free throw. Bird answered with a basket off a DJ steal and Riley called time.
Ainge buried two transition jumpers after the pause and the Celtics were on their way. Worthy, Scott (when was the last time he had a hand in his face?) and Abdul-Jabbar kept missing, and the Celtics were flying down the floor. When Bird rebounded a Kareem miss and fed Parish for a seven-footer off the break, the Celtics led, 26-12, and Riley called time again as the sweaty Garden rocked. Boston already had 16 fast-break points, and Scott, Worthy and Mr. Goggles were an aggregate 1 for 14.
Parish kept smothering Abdul-Jabbar (12 points and three rebounds) and beating the Big Fella down the floor. Abdul-Jabbar left with two personals with 1:17 left in the period. Then Ainge nailed a three-pointer and hit a flying, one-handed buzzer-beater to make it 38-24 after one. Wedman hadn't even scored yet.
"We just never stopped," said Ainge. "It was just one of those games . . . The key to stopping their fast break is to execute well on the offensive end."
The Celtics went inside and were even better in the second quarter. Parish (18 points) got it going early and led a 14-3 run. With 8:58 left in the half, Parish converted a three-point play as Abdul-Jabbar picked up his third foul and Boston led, 52-27. Wedman still hadn't made his first basket.
Then Wedman heated up and the Celtics made an incredible 11 of 12 in the first six minutes of the second, taking an outrageous 63-34 lead on a transition jumper by DJ midway through the quarter. Ainge scored before the buzzer again and it was a tidy 79-49 at intermission.
"We talked about it at the half," said Ainge. "We made sure we didn't let up."
And there was no letup. As TV sets clicked off across America, McHale exploded for 13 in the third en route to his 26. The Celtics led by 29 after three and finished by shooting 68 percent (17 of 25) in the fourth quarter. Wedman had 13 of his 26 in the fourth, including a pair of three-pointers.
"I don't think the Celtics can play any better," said the Lakers' Bob McAdoo. "If they can, I don't want to see it."
"This was a whipping," said Jones. "But they're going to come back smoking and burning."
Celtic fans shouldn't get too cocky. The Celtics beat the Sixers, 121-81, in the first game of the 1982 Eastern finals but lost the series in seven games. And the Lakers beat the Celtics by 33 in Game 3 last year.
"We know what can happen," said Ainge.
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